We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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