im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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