I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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