She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize