What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm like, not good at living.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
