hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need a burrito and a hug.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
