he puts the penis in happiness.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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