just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
