You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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