Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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