either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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