Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
