Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
