Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
