i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
