He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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