how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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