There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
