I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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