i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
