you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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