just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am naked and annoyed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
