We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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