I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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