I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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