This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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