You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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