So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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