if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
