Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
