that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
