I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
