clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
