Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
