My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
