My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
