I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
