I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
