Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
