I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
