Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
