he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
