big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
