I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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