I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
