You're my little dorito
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
