why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
