Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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