last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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