I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
