Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
