I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
