New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh god it's open bar.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
