Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
