If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
