Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
