Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
