Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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