The maid of honor just puked.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
